Politicians Sweep Midterm Elections
WASHINGTON, DC—Landslide victories for politicians in all 50 states indicate that voters still tend to elect politicians over non-politicians.
WASHINGTON, DC—After months of aggressive campaigning and with nearly 99 percent of ballots counted, politicians were the big winners in Tuesday’s midterm election, taking all 435 seats in the House of Representatives, retaining a majority with 100 out of 100 seats in the Senate, and pushing political candidates to victory in each of the 36 gubernatorial races up for grabs.
While analysts had been predicting a possible sweep for months, and early exit-poll numbers seemed favorable, politicians reportedly exceeded even their own expectations, gaining an impressive 100 percent of the overall national vote.
“It’s a good night to be a politician,” said Todd Akin, an officeholder from Missouri. “The American people have spoken, and they have unanimously declared: ‘We want elected officials to lead this nation.'”
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America’s Cowboys Suffering From Restless Heart Syndrome
ATLANTA, GA—Bouts of wanderlust and deep yearning have led a majority of RHS sufferers to head off in the direction of them twinklin’ stars.
ATLANTA, GA—Officials from the Centers For Disease Control said Monday that preliminary results from a long-term study showed that the vast majority of America’s cowboys suffer from Restless Heart Syndrome, a disorder categorized by deep pangs of yearning, usually following extended, alternating bouts of lethargy and wanderlust.